A Few Thoughts on Balloons

I hate balloons. I wish I had a latex allergy so I could justify a total household balloon ban. I may have inherited my aversion to balloons from my mom, who also hates balloons, but I recently found out that she hates them mostly because of the potential for loud, unplanned popping noises.

My hate of balloons goes much, much deeper than that.

1. Balloons stink. I can’t even stand the way balloons smell just out of the package. Slightly worse than the just-out-of-the-package smell is the inflated balloon smell. Worse still is the 3 day-old balloon smell. Nothing is viler, however, than the odor of a 2 year old inflated balloon, wrinkled and pathetic, which emerges from behind the TV entertainment center and is batted carelessly around the room by little boys. (I’m feeling a wave of nausea just thinking about it!)

2. Balloon noises are irritating and grating. Since my boys can’t tie their own balloons, and since I mostly refuse to touch them, they are usually left to inflate their balloons and release them to fly around the room, making that horrible ppffffttttllbbbtttt noise and shooting bits of spit out their back ends.

I don’t like the noise of balloons rubbed against hair, or when balloons are squeezed and twisted. Sorry balloon-folding clown guy…it’s not you, it’s your evil balloons I can’t stand.

The sound of a balloon popping, while still unpleasant, indicates the end of the balloon’s life, and so I find I can tolerate that noise somewhat. However, if the balloon is popped by a child, a lot of crying usually ensues, which definitely qualifies as an annoying, balloon related noise.

3. I can’t stand how balloons feel. I won’t touch a balloon unless I am either popping it or throwing away the little busted bits of it. The worst kind of balloon to touch is the one that has been inflated for a while, then gets deflated and is all feathery and rubber. Ugh.

4. Stale balloon air makes me gag.

5. I’d rather clean up after 10 bathroom emergencies (use your imagination) than have a kid hand me a balloon to blow up that has been repeatedly blown up and deflated and is now dripping with spit.

6. Getting hit in the head with a balloon while I’m driving causes me to utter really angry threats. (I’ve seen my boys laughing at me in the rear-view mirror!)

My dislike of balloons is so strong, I’m wondering if I actually might have an allergy to latex. I checked on-line to see what the symptoms were and they include:

• Itchy, red, watery eyes
• Sneezing or runny nose
• Coughing
• Rash or hives
• Chest tightness and shortness of breath
• Shock

I think I could definitely make a case for chest tightness and a shortness of breath, and probably shock. At the very least I think I could qualify for latex intolerance.