How To Be A Boy: Eating Popcorn

For boys, eating popcorn is much more than the simple enjoyment of a light snack. Eating popcorn is a study in chaos theory, social behavior and the limits of maternal sanity. If you want to eat popcorn like a boy make sure you master the following techniques:

1. Use your hand to grab as much popcorn you can from the popcorn bowl. It helps if your hand is dirty from digging for worms or trying to catch tadpoles in the pond.

2. Shove the popcorn into your mouth. Your goal should be to get about 40% of the popcorn from your hand into your mouth. While it's fine to load up your mouth so that chewing becomes almost impossible, you will need to save at least half of each handful for step #3.

3. Allow excess popcorn to fall wherever it may. Try not to think too much about where your popcorn is falling. If you need to go to the bathroom, eat popcorn on the way and leave a popcorn trail on the carpet. If you are eating on the couch, make sure you shift positions every once in a while so popcorn has a better chance of falling between the cushions. If you are eating outside, a 5 foot radius of popcorn spillage is a good popcorn eating result.

4. If your mother has told you that under no circumstances should you ever play in the car, consider getting in the parked car to eat and spill your popcorn.

5. If chewing popcorn becomes tiresome, consider spitting chewed-up popcorn onto your mom's parked car. Just make sure you make it worth your while and cover as much of the car as you can with chewed-up, spit-out popcorn.

6. When you are finished eating popcorn, dumping the "duds" out onto the carpet or ground adds a nice finishing touch.

7. When you are done, do not concern yourself with the massive popcorn mess you have just created. Think nothing of it. Clear your mind as if it never happened and does not exist. Move on to your next activity with gusto and a clear conscience.

8. When your mother comes out and asks "Who is responsible for this mess?" you must act completely flummoxed. When she clarifies by adding, "this popcorn mess," it is acceptable to pretend that you might just possibly understand what she is talking about, if only she could give you another hint.

When she yells, "Here!! In the garage!" go ahead and acknowledge the popcorn scattered all over the garage floor. Do not tell her that it doesn't look like a mess to you. And please don't point out that the masticated popcorn drying on the side of the car will probably come off the next time it rains.

Go ahead and sweep the spilled popcorn into a little pile on the driveway, but don't throw the pile out. Ask any 10 year old boy and he will tell you: the popcorn fairy will come along soon and take care of everything, don't you know!