Friday, April 18, 2008

Polygamist Sighting

While in Costco today, I saw an actual polygamist. How do I know it was an actual polygamist? Because she looked just like those women from the Texas compound who have been creeping me out on TV for the last few days: monochromatic pioneer dress, no make-up, and long hair with a tall, swooping wall of hair in the front. (How they get their hair up that high without hairspray is a mystery in itself!)

She was with a man who I assumed was her husband and I wondered what the circumstances were that brought her to Costco.

Is the Costco trip a special reward? Does the favorite wife of the week get to leave the compound, venture out into the world and pick out 5 gallon jugs of apple juice, 30 pounds of laundry detergent and 300 rolls of toilet paper?

Or, is the real treat staying back at the compound watching your husband’s 50 kids? (Somehow I doubt this is the case.)

No, I think Costco is definitely a reward. I wonder if the wives argue with each other about who gets to go to Costco. Is it a seniority thing? Are there hurt feelings when one wife gets chosen over others? Do the wives who were left behind all get together and rag on the Costco wife while she’s gone?

What if the wife who went to Costco came home with one of those berry sundaes and everyone was mad because they didn’t get one. This is the conversation I imagine taking place as a result:

Costco Wife: I totally would have gotten you a berry sundae, but it would have melted on the ride home.

Compound Wives: Whatever! You are just trying to rub our faces in the fact that you got to go to Costco and we had to stay home with the 50 kids, 3 of which have ear infections, 34 who were complete brats, 6 who were caught coloring a blasphemous dinosaur coloring book and 7 who are sobbing because they will be 16 years old this month and have to marry 60 year old men.

Costco Wife: Sister wives, let us not argue and fight. Instead, let us start preparing the evening meal. After all, we only have 3 hours. How about I set the table and the rest of you can put all this Costco stuff away and start cooking.

Then the Compound wives would think really evil thoughts about the Costco wife, but they would not show it on their faces lest they appear to be petty and vindictive to their husband because then they might NEVER be chosen to go to Costco.

Of course my other thought about the polygamist wife was this: How come the woman has to wear the odd, conspicuous clothing while the men can wear whatever they want and blend in with the regular folk? If the women have to wear the pioneer dress, the men should have to wear really old pioneer hats and red bandannas around their necks. Oooh! And they will only be allowed to wear suspenders to hold their pants up; no belts. Rainbow suspenders or ones with piano keys on them would be preferable. I think that would equal out the men and women appearance-wise.


Heidi Irene said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Emily said...

You crack me up! I laughed so hard...being a missionary there, I always remember the guys were fairly normal and the ladies...well pretty much laura ingalls wilder clones without the ribbons in the hair. I taught a girl from there, and it is true what they do...and FLDS are so far removed doctrinally that they barely resemble anything like our church. I so want to be the costco wife except for I like the berry smoothies better and I would eat a chicken wrap on the way home!

melziemom04 said...

I love it! A guy that I work with loves that show "Big Love" on HBO and I keep telling him to watch the news because polygamist women look nothing like the women on that show - they look like the ones that are all over the news right now! When we lived in Utah, I always wondered why the women had to dress like pioneers while the men got to dress "normal."

Heather said...

Haha--my favorite part was the ice cream. :) I can totally see it!!

Amy said...

this is amy from Oakdale, friend of angela's.

Loved your comments! You are sooo funny! I also wonder how they get their hair to do that! I would be all over that husband-clothing needs to be like the wives' clothing!!!!!!

megan said...

HA HA HA HA...Afton you are hilarious!!

claire said...

Afton this is so funny. I forwarded it to many of my friends. Hope you don't mind.