Tuesday, January 5, 2010

How to Be a Boy: Shopping for Clothes with Your Mom

When your mom says she needs to buy you new clothes and asks you to go with her, your first response will naturally be a primal one: fight or flight. In an effort to save yourself, you might feel a rise in adrenaline. Maybe a sweat will start to break out as you look for the nearest exits. You might consider playing dead.

The bad news is you can't get out of clothes shopping with your mom. The good news is there are a few strategies that when used correctly, just might make this clothes shopping trip the last one you ever have to go on.

Don't Wear Socks
To avoid having to spend minutes trying on shoes you don't really want anyway, simply don't wear socks. Make sure you have long pants on so your mom can't see you're bare ankles. When your mom asks you to sit down and try on a pair of pinchy, fussy dress shoes, just kick off one of your sneakers and wait for her reaction. Trust me; it will almost make all this shopping torture worth it.

Insist on a Mom-free Dressing Room
Under no circumstances should you allow your mother in the dressing room with you. She will plead and beg and tell you she's your mother for crying out loud, but do not give in. Even if she loudly proclaims that she used to wipe poop off your bare bottom and should be able to watch you try on a shirt and pants, hold firm. This little tactic will set you up perfectly for the next weapon in your arsenal.

Do Not Undress
Taking off your clothes is such a pain. Don't do it. You should be able to get every article of clothing your mom wants you to try on over the stuff you are already wearing. Plus, when you open the dressing room door to show your mom how well the new button down dress shirt fits over the top of your Old Navy skull and crossbones t-shirt, the look on your mom's face will almost make up for the poop-on-the-bare-bottom comment she made earlier.

Self-induced Nausea
If clothes shopping with your mom does not bring on the heaves, then having your nose in your iPod Touch/Nintendo DS/et al during the car ride to the store should do the trick. Don't look up, whatever you do, and no cracking the window for fresh air. If you still don't feel sick when you get to the store, bring your device with you into the store and keep your head down in concentration as you walk from department to department. As soon as you feel the least bit queasy, complain loudly and often that you feel like you're going to throw up.

The trick is to make your mother as miserable about shopping with you as you are about shopping with her. If these tips don't get you out of all future clothes shopping trips, it should be a long, long time before you are subjected to another.


a said...

THIS IS YOUR BOOK!!!! FOR GOODNESS SAKE GET IT WRITTEN!! I WOULD NOT ONLY BUY ONE FOR ME, BUT FOR EVERY MOTHER OF A BOY! I will happily accept your second million from your first printing. All other millions from all other printings you may keep. I can just see the cover. It should look battered and torn and smudged with, is that chocolate??? Imagine you wanting your boys to misbehave just to finish the book!

shiguy4076 said...

rofl thank you for the laugh! Thank heavens I have girls. Oh, wait, they take forever to go shopping. hmm So funny I love reading your blog

Allyson said...

I don't know what to say, this is too funny! So glad I have my 3 girls but I agree with shiguy4076, they take forever to shop!

Nikki said...

Oh the reality of this blog! I have 3 boys myself! (I just got a girl 3 months ago. Whew!) I can totally relate!
PS--I'm Erika's sis-in-law. I have seen your posts on her blog. I have enjoyed your other boy related stories!!!

Emily Laing said...

Soooo True. Living with three boys, I just buy clothes and if they don't like them, they go naked. thanks for the laugh!

Renee said...

This is fabulous!! I think we live parallel lives on opposite sides of the country. Too funny!! I have to agree with Emily - I'm better off buying and forcing them to wear it. Also it's not just chocolate smudged on the cover of the book, there also has to be the obligatory toothpaste smudge (since my boys are incapable of brushing teeth without getting toothpaste all over the place).

Debbie said...

It's too funny that these comments are about you compiling all the "How to Be a Boy" because as I was reading this entry I thought the exact same thing!!! I don't have boys but I would buy a compilation of these just because it's HILARIOUS!!! :)

Plus some of them apply to the boy I live with, to a certain degree even though he's in his 30s... :)