Thursday, April 1, 2010

How to Be a Boy: Going Number One

The urge to urinate will, undoubtedly come at the most inopportune times. Who can spare 30 seconds during an exciting game of hide and seek, while building the perfect sandcastle, or during your favorite commercial for cold cereal that you've only seen 48 times?

When Mother Nature calls, one must answer--or pay the embarrassing and wet consequences.

Here are some places that, as a boy, you might find useful for relieving yourself.

Port-a-Potty - Conveniently located just about anywhere, porta-potties have the curious ability to make younger boys suddenly have the urge to pee just so they can get into that foul and mysterious blue box.

The Front Yard - Make sure you choose to pee in the front yard around 5:30 pm when all the moms and dads are coming home from work. When your mom finds you with your pants down peeing into her azalea bush, claim you were trying to kill a slug.

The Bath or Shower - Hey, it all goes to the same place, right?

In the Car - As a boy, you can do something girls can't: Pee into an empty water bottle in a moving car. With great power, comes great responsibility. Make sure you get that lid on tight.

In the Snow - Must I explain this one?

With Your Friends - What's better than one erratic stream of urine hopelessly missing it's mark? Three!

The following locations might seem like an obvious choice for going to the bathroom, since they are in fact bathrooms, but don't be fooled. They are substandard urination locations and should be avoided.

A Toilet in Your Home - First you have to lift the seat and then you are required to get your pee into one central location without going out of bounds or splashing. Way too much work. Plus, the toilet is disgusting! What is all that yellow stuff on the rim anyway?

The School Bathroom - It smells weird, even when clean. There is always one kid who forgets to flush when, for the love of Pete, he should have flushed. And even though you have no problem peeing in the front yard, a urinal just seems too public.


a said...

My boys loved to pee at the same time standing around the same toilet. My sis in law in Chicago, craving family closeness and doing things with us, foolishly allowed her boy (in-between my boys ages) to stand around the toilet with my boys and join in on the fun of making clear water yellow. My boys were so excited to have him there standing to the side of them that they focused on him instead of the toilet, and her boy was soon wet! hahahaha

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Allyson said...

EWWW! Sadly I can relate. After 3 daughters I too have a little whizzer. He takes it one step further. He is his own one man band complete with a horn section (toot toot).

You forgot to add, from the top of the tree house!